Happy St Paddy’s Day everyone 🙂 what have you all been up to for it? Hopefully enjoying a glass of Guinness maybe? haha! So I have been umming and ahhing over what to talk about tonight. Debated talking about the low points of my week this week cause their has been a few; what with new random highs middle of the night and now being tested for carpal tunnel, then hitting nerves when putting my pump in…just been one of those weeks.
However I was looking at photos today and reminding myself of the past and how much I have changed probably both mentally and physically. This led me to reminding myself that I said I might write a blog about when I had my slight eating issues. You see I’m like every girl most probably, care about how I look and I overly care about what people think of me. But as I sit here thinking about it all and try to pinpoint my issues I think some of it was diabetes related. I was never clinically anorexic let me get that one straight, I was underweight for a while, my doctors was informed and we had a conversation at one point and in some pictures you can slightly see I was overly skinny but in others you can’t. I saw a picture of my 19th birthday night out in fancy dress and as I look at it I just think that I don’t look particularly healthy.
So let’s start from the beginning. I have never really been a big eater, not even as a baby according to mum and still to this day sometimes I think I eat for the sake of it rather than cause I’m hungry, however I’m sure we all do that. I don’t remember much from when I was in infants school and only bits and bob from junior…memory loss already hahaha. One thing that sticks in my mind from Infants was being made to sit in the lunch hall until all my lunch was eaten and I never was a fast eater so would always be in there longer than others. The same sort of happened with Juniors except for we weren’t made to eat all of our lunch boxes so occasionally I would leave my sandwiches. The few times I did though mum would tell me off so I got sneaky. If I didn’t have time to eat my sandwiches and on the few occasions this happened the bin outside my school would be good for sneaky disposal. I know naughty Meg.
However, although I was naughty and sneaky then I used to make up by eating loads when I came home from school. So that wasn’t when my eating problems started. Unfortunately I feel they started when I was diagnosed with type one diabetes.
You see when anyone else sits down for a meal you can eat it straight away…unless its really hot. But then suddenly my life was changed when I was diagnosed and it took ten minutes or longer before I could eat my dinner. Mum would call me for dinner, I’d sit down check my sugar level, get my insulin pen out (when I had it now my pump – so carb count and plug it all in) inject somewhere wait a few seconds before removing it and then eat. Bit of a chore isn’t it? By the end of all that I just wasn’t hungry any more. I’d munch on some of my food, play around with it a bit more and then declare I wasn’t hungry or felt sick. Mum would try and coax me into eating and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.
It was mainly dinner time that it would be an issue. I was always a big eater at breakfast time, still am normally wake up hungry hahaha and can’t function without breakfast.
Then school ended and college started and this is probably when things got worse. This is most likely when it turned into issues with how I looked than just down to having type one diabetes. Also it was harder for mum to keep an eye on what I was eating lunch times at college.
Like any teenager girl I wanted to look the best, however with glasses and a brace I felt a bit like ugly betty (see below for glasses, braces and fringe look 😉 ) and on occasions had people joke around and say that to me. However you should have seen my teeth before the brace. Oh well got to love being a teen hey. The one thing I had going for me though in my eyes was my body, I had what I felt was a nice figure, although looking back I think I looked like a bit of a stick insect.
Then the braces came off but still my eating habits stayed the same. I would wake up and have a quick breakfast, if I had to be at college early mum would make sure I took a lunch if not I’d say I’d make a sandwich or some couscous etc. Which I did but eating it would sometimes being an issue, sometimes I did sometimes I didn’t, then I would get home to dinner, eat half and usually say I wasn’t hungry and felt sick.
I wasn’t lying I had programmed myself to get to a point and not feel hungry. I think sometimes it was more of a habit other times it was because I thought I would get fat and other times it was because it meant facing up to having type one diabetes.
A mixture of the three equalled an underweight Meg who had a pretty nice talk with her doctor about how if I lost to much more weight he would refer me. This never happened though. This along with a few conversations with different families maybe triggered off me thinking about it a bit more. I can’t really pinpoint the moment I started eating more. Although I slightly blame the boyfriend for taking me out for nice meals and buying me treats hahaah 😉 This topped with a certain medication which I took for a different reason but made me snack more cause of what it does to your hormones = Meg putting on weight.
Part of me feels ashamed writing this because it caused a lot of worry for my mum and rest of my family probably. And I’m sorry to them if I did.
So I feel like I’m going on a bit even if I’ve probably not described it all, sometimes it’s hard to describe something that took me so long to face up with. However I can proudly say that I’m not as bad as I used to be now. I have put on 7kg in the last year or so. Pretty hefty haha. I’m not saying its all stars and rainbows now (or whatever that saying is) sometimes I look at myself now and think I’m too fat when I’m not and sometimes I look at a plate of food and get the the sicky feeling when I think there is to much there. But its a working progress and maybe one day I’ll be happy with the way I look and amount I eat and have got my portion size perfect.
Anyway I hope you enjoy this blog. Hope you all had a lovely weekend and enjoy your week 🙂 Thank you for reading